In this hard hitting article, we explore ten reasons why setting foot in Germany might just be the worst decision you ever make. From the dire consequences of their punctuality to the labyrinthine complexity of their compound words, we expose the unseen perils that lurk within Deutschland.
Crafting this unconventional guide, we delved beyond the glossy travel brochures and idyllic Instagram posts to unveil the dark side of Germany’s beer steins and bratwurst. We consulted with battle-weary tourists, disgruntled expats, and humorists to gather a list of complaints that could make any potential visitor think twice.
Before you pack your lederhosen or dirndl and jet off to the land of philosophers and engineers, prepare to confront the harsh realities that could turn your dream trip into a cautionary tale.
From the intimidatingly flawless autobahn etiquette to the existential dread prompted by their incomprehensibly efficient recycling system, brace yourself for an introduction to the perils that await in Germany!
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10 Reasons Why You Should NEVER Visit Germany…
Beware of Overwhelming Choices…
You may get lost in over 1,500 different types of wurst (sausages). How can you make such impossible decisions?
Visiting Germany could lead you into a culinary conundrum of epic proportions – the bewildering sausage dilemma.
The sheer abundance of choices can lead to serious decision fatigue. Do you go for the classic Bratwurst, or the exotic Blutwurst? Dare to sample the Currywurst, or play it safe with a Wiener?
Each region boasts its own specialty, mercilessly tempting you with spicy, smoky, or herb-infused creations. But amidst this sausage smorgasbord, be warned: you must make your choice quickly or face the impatient glare of the locals queueing behind you, their appetite for Wurst almost as voracious as their love for punctuality.
So, pack your sense of humor alongside your appetite – you’ll need it when grappling with the ultimate meaty predicament in the land of sausage overload.
Castle Overload…
With over 20,000 castles, your camera might run out of storage.
Venturing into Germany might just land you with a severe case of “Castle Overload,” an ailment peculiar to the traveler exposed to an endless parade of stunning fortresses and fairy-tale palaces.
Germany doesn’t believe in moderation when it comes to castles. With over 20,000 of these historical marvels dotting the landscape, prepare for the relentless awe that could lead to a peculiar numbness. The enchantment of the first few might leave you spellbound, but by the time you’ve ticked off Neuschwanstein, Hohenzollern, and a dozen others, the magic may start to fade.
Your camera’s memory card groans under the weight of turrets and drawbridges, and you start to confuse your Schloss with your Burg. Beware the risk of becoming a castle connoisseur, a condition leaving you sighing, “Not another 12th-century stronghold,” as you long for a simple bungalow or a humble skyscraper.
The Beer Dilemma…
With thousands of breweries and beer gardens, you might never settle on a favorite brew – the struggle is real.
Embarking on a quest to find the perfect pint in Germany could leave you with a severe case of “brewer’s bewilderment.” With over 1,300 breweries sprinkled like malt across the countryside, pouring over 5,000 brands of beer, every tavern and beer garden is an intoxicating ambush of choices.
The chances of finding your ultimate brewsky are akin to finding a needle in a hops stack.
Each region lures you with their local specialty—Bavaria alone boasts a beer bible thicker than your average novel. One day, the crisp allure of a Kölsch seems unbeatable, the next, a robust Rauchbier smokes out the competition.
It’s a frothy maze without an exit, a sudsy odyssey with no final draft.
Whether it’s the lively lagers, the wily weissbiers, or the persuasive pilsners, your taste buds may maroon you on the isle of indecision – a delightful yet hopless conundrum. Prost to never knowing your favorite beer, because in Germany, the beer chooses you!
Fairytale Fatigue…
The charm of towns and landscapes straight out of a storybook could make real life seem just a bit too mundane in comparison.
Venturing into Germany, beware of the peril known as ‘fairytale fatigue,’ an affliction striking those exposed to an abundance of enchanting castles and whimsical villages. The country’s streets and forests are so drenched in storybook magic that it’s not unusual to expect a gingerbread house around every corner or a singing princess in every park.
Should you find yourself strolling through villages that look plucked from the pages of a Grimm’s tale, the spellbinding charm might spoil your taste for the ordinary. Returning home, where neighborhoods lack quaint gabled roofs and the local supermarket isn’t a cobblestone market square, could leave reality feeling exceptionally bland.
Remember, the risk is real: too much time in Germany’s bewitched landscapes, and you may never view a regular sunset without yearning for the silhouette of a medieval castle on the horizon. Proceed with caution, or forever hold your ‘once upon a time.’
Efficiency Extremes…
The punctuality of trains can seriously undermine your valid excuses for being late. There goes ‘my train was delayed’!
Visiting Germany can be an unnerving experience for the chronically tardy. Step into the perplexingly punctual world of German trains, and watch your go-to excuses crumble faster than a pretzel in a beer mug. The trains there run with such clockwork precision that ‘my train was delayed’ morphs from a trusty apology into a traveler’s tall tale.
You see, in Germany, efficiency isn’t just a trait; it’s practically a cultural mandate. This means you might find yourself sprinting to catch a train that, to your disbelief, departs exactly at the second it was supposed to. Not a moment spent on the platform, waiting for a delay announcement that never comes.
Gone are the days of shrugging at your watch and mumbling about unreliable public transport. In Germany, if you’re late, you might just have to admit you overslept. Now, where’s the fun in that?
Christmas Market Mayhem…
You’ll wander through endless Christmas markets, and before you know it, you’ve holiday shopped for the next ten years.
Embarking on a Christmassy journey through Germany’s iconic markets can swiftly spiral into a festive frenzy. Picture this: you meander through quaint stalls, each twinkling with handcrafted ornaments and brimming with gingerbread that whispers your name. The air, scented with mulled wine and sugared almonds, reels you in deeper.
Suddenly, you’re not just browsing; you’re on a mission to find that perfect hand-made wooden nutcracker, unique enough to make all your relatives green with envy at Christmas dinner. Amid the harmonies of carolers and the chime of cash registers, you’re swept up in a yuletide shopping spree without end.
And let’s not forget the perilous maze of the merry crowd—each person a potential bump-away from spilling Glühwein down your new winter coat. Ah, the chaos of Christmas market mayhem—you came for the cheer, but you might leave ready to hibernate until spring.
Language Barrier Laughs…
You’ll attempt to pronounce words like ‘Eichhörnchen’ (squirrel) and ‘Streichholzschächtelchen’ (matchbox), and locals might just giggle.
If you decide to brave the linguistic jungle of the German language, prepare for a comedy of errors. Your valiant attempts to navigate the treacherous waters of the umlauts and guttural sounds could leave even the most stoic of Germans unable to maintain their composure.
Imagine confidently stepping into a bakery, trying to order a simple ‘Brötchen’ (bread roll) and inadvertently asking for a ‘Bötchen’, which might leave the baker wondering if you’re there for a snack or a small boat. And when you’ve mustered all your courage to ask for directions to the ‘Bahnhof’ (train station), you might accidentally say ‘Baumhof’, unwittingly inquiring the way to a tree court.
The German language has a storied tradition of compound words that can stretch longer than a Dachshund – with meanings as deep and specific. Each mispronunciation is an opportunity for a shared chuckle, ensuring that your linguistic journey will be as memorable to the locals as it is to you.
Historic Overdose…
You might actually learn something from all the accessible history and culture, which can be a lot of pressure.
Visiting Germany could lead to a peculiar condition known as “historic overdose.” Every cobblestone street whispers tales from medieval times, and each castle has more backstory than a George R. R. Martin novel. It’s exhausting for the brain!
Museums are packed with artifacts that scream significance, from the Nefertiti Bust to the remnants of the Berlin Wall. You can’t escape the onslaught of centuries-old knowledge; it’s like attending a history lecture on steroids.
Even a casual stroll could turn into a deep dive into Gothic architecture or the Reformation. You unwittingly become a scholar, your head brimming with dates and events. Brace yourselves – it’s like binge-watching the entire history of humanity, one picturesque town at a time…
The Autobahn Anxiety…
The thrill of unrestricted speed limits sounds good until you actually hit the Autobahn. Are you ready for that kind of adrenaline?
Experiencing Autobahn Anxiety is akin to entering a high-speed chess game, where every move is at 150 km/h and blinker signals are your only premonitions of an opponent’s strategy. Your palms sweat as you realize ‘unrestricted’ translates to ‘Formula 1 wannabes testing their mettle.’
Then there’s the merging – a gamble where hesitance could brand you as Autobahn fodder. You’re constantly on high alert, your peripheral vision working overtime, as Porsches and BMWs appear out of thin air like steel-clad specters in your rearview mirror.
And construction zones, the only respite with a speed limit, turn into bottlenecks faster than you can say “Stau” (German for traffic jam). Here, the speed demons tailgate with the impatience of an eagle stalking its prey. Those brief moments provide little comfort as the inevitable acceleration looms ahead, thrusting you back into the vehicular fray.
Hiking Hazard…
With stunning trails in the Alps and the Black Forest, you risk becoming too fit and outdoorsy, which could be a shocking lifestyle change!
While treking through the picturesque German landscapes, there’s a real threat of stumbling upon the intoxicating blend of fresh alpine air and rigorous trails. This can lead to an acute onset of what locals may call ‘Berglust,’ a seldom-discussed condition where the sufferer develops an insatiable desire to climb every mound and hillock in sight.
Pity the unsuspecting traveler who finds their leisurely stroll turn into a full-blown mountain expedition. Before you know it, your casual dabbling in the genteel art of walking could spiral into a relentless pursuit of the next peak, leaving you alarmingly fit and potentially saddled with a bafflingly healthier lifestyle.
Consider yourselves warned. And if you are daring to visit Berlin, make sure you read this first for why you should re-consider.
I hope you have enjoyed this tongue-in-cheek look at why Germany can be an awful place to travel and are ready to pack your bags for some castle and history overload!
Like a challenge? Click here and see if you can guess these 10 places in Germany.
Want to know some super weird facts about Germany? Click here. If you decide to take the risk anyway and venture into Germany, you can find all our planning guides here. Just make sure you learn what you should never do in Germany here first. Alternatively, read why you should visit Germany next here.
Lovely story about Germany. – Written with a great sense of humour !
The part about the trains running on time has to be changed a bit – German Rail ( Deutsche Bundesbahn) is fighting a lot with delays
Some artistic license may have been taken with this article 🙂
Great article covering old time Germany. Forget about trains being on time. Most of the time the trains are on strike. Forests, food and beer great but now too expensive to appreciate. Even if you can speak German read English language books especially crime stories because you get to the end of the story much quicker.
Unfortunately, the expensive problem is not Germany specific. That is interesting about speeding up reading in english 😀
Great article, as a German – and agreeing with Rüdiger – i also had a good laugh with my pals at the “trains”-Topic.
Come to think of it, 100% of the Germans commenting on the article having umlauts in their names probably gives some credibility to the “language”-point …and even more probably NOT agreeing on their favourite beer to that point….O:)
Haha thanks 🙂
I thoroughly enjoyed this tongue-in-cheek article!!!!! Stationed in Lubeck and Heidelberg Germany from 1956 to 1958. Got married in Heidelberg where 2 oldest sons were born. Been back about 30 times and returning again at the age of 92 in 2024 for a month. Visited all the sites mentioned in the article. Looking forward to visit with my wife, some of our kids and their kids and spend time with her family. Been to Germany, Austria, France, Belgium, Neherlands, Switzerland, Lichtenstein, Italy, Hungary and Czech Republic. Germany and Austria are our favorite destinations. GREAT ARTICLE!!!!!!!!
Sounds amazing 🙂
I love Germany for all those reasons you listed.
It has so much to offer for everyone.
Visit and learn about history and while you are there,don’t forget to visit Prague in the Czech Republic.This is another country full of castles and history.
Good traveling.
German trains haven’t been running on time like clockwork for years.Numerous delays of up to several hours and constant train cancellations were annoying.
Spent 2 years in Germany in US army. Two of my children were born there. Article is slight exaggeration!
That’s the fun of it 😉
I absolutely lived your article. I was born in Heidelberg many years ago . My mom brought me to the US but Germany has never left my heart. I’m going home in April and though I know things have changed a lot since my youth, I’m very very excited. I may not come back !
It’s completely possible!! 😀 Have a fantastic time!
The article was amazing. Now I want to visit Germany for the different reasons, sample the wurst and autobahn adrenaline!
Lol thats great 😀 Awesome name too
I never thought anywhere could top our 3 years 84-87, in Vicenza, Italy (Army civilian) but our 10 years, 96-07 in Kaiserslautern, Germany did just that.