Have you ever taken a trip and feared you might fall head over heels—not for a person, but for a place? Oh yes, it’s a real danger, my friends, and nowhere is this risk higher than in Germany.
You see, Germany isn’t just a country; it’s a seductive siren call of picturesque landscapes, tantalizing cuisine, and cultural wonders that could make even the most stoic traveler weak at the knees. However, let me tell you why you should absolutely not succumb to Germany’s charms.
Imagine returning from your vacation and finding your home life suddenly bland and colorless. The rich history, the energetic festivals, the mouthwatering bratwursts—everything about Germany might make you want to pack your bags, sell your house, and relocate there faster than you can say “Guten Tag.”
But we can’t have that, can we? To save you from the potential heartbreak of realizing your hometown feels more like a black-and-white movie after a Technicolor experience, I’ve crafted this essential guide.
Yes, my fellow wanderers, I present to you the foolproof list: 7 Ways to Avoid Falling in Love with Germany. These hilarious tips will help you stay grounded and not let your heart be stolen by Germany’s undeniable allure.
Because trust me, once you’re smitten, there’s no going back!
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7 Ways To Avoid Falling Head Over Heels For Germany…
Tip #1 – Avoid Speaking to Locals
Their friendliness and perfect English might sap your resolve. Stick strictly to mime and confusing tourist gestures.
Engaging in conversations with the lovely locals might be the slipperiest slope into falling in love with Germany. Germans are infamously kind and their English is often impeccable, almost embarrassingly so.
Their welcoming smiles and eagerness to help can easily cause your heart to soften and your guard to drop. To protect yourself, stay committed to the universal language of interpretative dance and exaggerated tourist gestures.
When asking where the bathroom is, pantomime a serious tummy trouble situation and hope for the best. Wave your arms wildly to mime your every need. Sure, you’ll look ridiculous, but that’s a small price to pay to keep from being charmed by a nation full of incredibly nice people who might make your stay irresistibly pleasant.
Remember, one friendly chat and you could find yourself packing up and moving to Berlin!
Tip #2 – Skip the Beer
Germany is world-renowned for its beer, but don’t you dare try any. Stick to water and pretend you’re on a cleanse. No bratwurst or pretzels either—they’re gateways to love.
Germany’s beer is legendary, with centuries of brewing tradition packed into every pint. A single sip could lead to a life-changing love affair with the country’s famous brews.
Best to play it safe and stick to water, and not just any water — the most boring, room-temperature water you can find, ideally from a plastic bottle that has seen better days. Pretend you’re on a health cleanse, even if it means sadly sipping as you watch others enjoy their Hefeweizens and Weihenstephaners.
Bratwursts and pretzels are equally treacherous; their savory allure could lure you into discovering other delightful aspects of German cuisine, and before you know it, you’re booking another trip. So, clutch that bottle of tepid water like it’s a lifeline and steadfastly avoid all deliciousness that might sway your heart.
Tip #3 – Stay Indoors
The stunning landscapes and charming villages are a trap. Close your curtains, turn on some mediocre TV, and avoid the mesmerizing beauty of the Black Forest or the Rhine Valley.
Germany’s landscapes are like a siren song, luring you in with idyllic villages, rolling hills, and picturesque scenery. Don’t be fooled!
The best way to resist this is to become a hermit. Draw those blackout curtains, and immerse yourself in the least engaging TV content you can find. Think endless reality shows about antique auctions or reruns of daytime soaps.
The key is to avoid any and all exposure to Germany’s natural wonders. The Black Forest’s enchanting woods or the Rhine Valley’s elegant vineyards could easily make you forget your mission. If you must venture out, stare at the ground and mutter to yourself about how disappointing everything is.
Desperate measures for desperate times, but your heart will thank you when it remains unfluttered by Germany’s breathtaking vistas.
Tip #4 – Ignore History
Do NOT visit any castles, museums, or historical sites. If you must, repeat to yourself: “It’s only a building. It’s only a building.” And definitely avoid Berlin, which is packed with monuments and stories that could make you fall hard.
Germany’s history is spellbinding, with centuries of rich narratives woven into its castles, museums, and monuments. This dangerous allure must be avoided at all costs. Cancel all plans to visit Neuschwanstein or the Berlin Wall.
If you find yourself accidentally stumbling upon a historical site, immediately repeat to yourself, “It’s only a building. It’s only a building,” like some sort of personal mantra. Berlin is the ultimate hazard with its history oozing from every corner, so stay vigilant.
You could easily find yourself engrossed in a tour detailing the potent blend of triumph and tragedy that has shaped the nation, and next thing you know, you’re booking your third trip to explore more museums.
Keep your head down, eyes straight, and history firmly out of your mind.
Tip #5 – Avoid Festivals
Oktoberfest and the Christmas markets are especially dangerous. The joy and festivity could crack the toughest anti-German armor. Spend those times in solitary confinement with nothing but a plain loaf of bread for company.
Germany’s festivals are a whirlwind of joy, music, and mouth-watering aromas that could dismantle even the most resolute anti-German stance. Oktoberfest is an explosion of camaraderie and fun, while the Christmas markets are like stepping into a winter wonderland dream. To stay safe, mark your calendar and schedule solitary confinement during these times.
Stock up on the most unappealing food, like plain, stale bread. Spend your time contemplating the blandness of your sustenance instead of letting festive joy seep into your soul. If you hear the jolly sounds of a nearby festival, turn up your mediocre TV show and stuff your ears with the driest pieces of bread.
This will help to muffle the infectious laughter and prevent any risk of accidentally sparking a love affair with the German celebratory spirit. Stay strong and uninspired!
Tip #6 – Deny the Existence of German Cuisine
German food is delightful, so don’t even look at it. Eat only imported snacks from home in your hotel room. If someone offers you a schnitzel, gasp and dramatically refuse.
German cuisine is a treacherous minefield of deliciousness that could easily ensnare you with its hearty flavors and comforting textures. Pretend it doesn’t exist. Make a strict diet plan consisting solely of imported snacks from your home country and stick to it religiously.
If anyone dares offer you a schnitzel, respond with a dramatic gasp and a refusal that would make a soap opera star proud. Same goes for spätzle, sauerbraten, or any dessert ending in “-torte” or “-strudel.”
One bite and you might find yourself daydreaming about German culinary delights to the point of planning your meals around them. Remember, it’s a slippery slope from “I’ll just try a bite” to “I need to move here for the food alone.”
Protect your taste buds—and your heart—by sticking to your tasteless snacks from your hotel room.
Tip #7 – Ignore the Public Transportation
The efficiency, coverage and cleanliness of Germany’s public transport would make anyone swoon. Instead, insist on walking everywhere, even if it means getting lost and frustrated.
Oh, the German public transportation system. While Germans may complain incessantly about its unreliability, to us outsiders, it’s a dream. One does not simply experience Germany without marveling at its trains.
To avoid falling in love with Germany, you’ve got to avoid falling in love with this marvelously organized chaos. Refuse to let those spotless seats and air-conditioned cabins woo you into submission.
Instead, lace up your best walking shoes and commit to the age-old tradition of peripatetic wonder. Sure, your journey from point A to point B might resemble an erratic zig-zag resembling a drunken ant on a leftover donut, but isn’t that part of the fun? Lose yourself in the adorable alleyways of quaint little towns and pretend not to notice the efficiency humming by on rails.
Missed your destination by miles? That’s just another opportunity to soak in the rustic countryside—or curse it colorfully, your choice. Your aching feet and lack of geographical sense will ensure you’re too preoccupied to fall for Germany’s impeccable transit systems.
And, if you somehow end up face-to-face with a pristine German train, just remember: resistance is not futile, it’s your only defense against affection!
While these seven tips may seem extreme, they’re absolutely necessary if you want to safeguard your heart from the irresistible allure of Germany. It’s a land where the beer is too refreshing, the history too rich, and the public transportation too amazing – truly dangerous grounds for anyone comfortable in their less-organized home country.
So, if you prefer a life where your local cuisine is safely predictable and your daily commute a thrilling adventure of traffic jams, by all means, stick to our advice. But beware, one slip, and you might just find yourself hopelessly in love with Germany, drafting up a plan to relocate, and reminiscing about bratwurst while sitting through yet another traffic jam.
Learn more about why you should be careful about visiting Germany in this list of reasons to never visit 🙂 You may also enjoy this list of things to never do in Germany or check out this list of the most beautiful Old Towns. You can also find all our planning guides for Germany here.
