Welcome, dear reader, to a tongue-in-cheek journey through the eight utterly convincing (and entirely humorous) reasons why you should never, under any circumstances, set foot in Bavaria. This isn’t just another travel guide; it’s your roadmap to avoiding the trap that is this alarmingly enchanting region of Germany.
Crafting this list involved an arduous process of sifting through Bavaria’s so-called “attractions,” engaging in dangerous levels of beer sampling, and subjecting ourselves to the horrifying beauty of its landscapes and the maddening cheeriness of its folk festivals. It was a daunting task, but someone had to do it.
Armed with nothing but a sense of adventure and a sturdy pair of lederhosen (for research purposes, of course), we plunged into the heart of Bavaria to discover the truth behind its facade of allure.
In the following paragraphs, we’ll peel back the layers of Bavaria’s pretense, revealing the harrowing reality of its fairy-tale castles, delicious beers, and breathtaking nature.
Be warned: once you’ve been exposed to the truth, you may find it impossible to look at travel brochures the same way again!
Our investigation has led us to some shocking conclusions, among them, the realization that Bavaria might just be too good for its own good.
So, grab your favorite non-alcoholic beverage (because Bavaria will ruin beer for you forever), and prepare to be enlightened on why visiting this seemingly magical place is a decision fraught with peril.
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8 Shocking Reasons Why You Should NEVER Go To Bavaria
1. Fairytale Castles Will Utterly Ruin Your Grip on Reality
The problem with Bavaria’s fairytale castles isn’t just that they’re unbearably picturesque; it’s that they’ll make every other building you see afterwards look like a drab, uninspired box. Neuschwanstein Castle, in particular, has the audacity to look like something out of a dream, completely skewing your expectations of architectural beauty forever.
Imagine going back home only to realize your local shopping center doesn’t even have one turret or secret passage. Disappointing, right?
2. The Beer is Too Good; It’s Basically a Trap
Venturing into Bavaria and sampling the local beer is a slippery slope. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself discerning the subtle hoppy undertones of a Weißbier or reminiscing about the malty finish of a Doppelbock.
And let’s not even get started on Oktoberfest, a place where beer isn’t just a beverage; it’s a way of life. You might leave with higher standards for beer, rendering your previous favorites pale (ale) in comparison.
Proceed with caution.
3. The Scenic Beauty is Aggressively Overwhelming
The real issue with Bavaria’s stunning Alpine views is that they’re relentless. Everywhere you turn, there’s another breathtaking scene demanding your admiration. Your camera roll will become a never-ending stream of mountains, lakes, and meadows, each photo trying to outdo the last.
It’s a continuous barrage of natural beauty that no one should have to endure. Plus, you’ll likely run out of adjectives to describe all this beauty, and “nice” just doesn’t do it justice.
4. Traditional Folk Music and Dancing Will Infectiously Cheer You Up
Beware the infectious folk music and traditional dances of Bavaria; they’re designed to infiltrate your soul and force involuntary foot-tapping and hand-clapping.
Before you know it, you might catch yourself actually enjoying the accordion and considering lederhosen as a legitimate fashion choice.
It’s a slippery slope from tapping your foot to being fully engrossed in a Schuhplattler dance-off. You’ve been warned.
5. Medieval Towns Will Spoil Modern Cities for You
After wandering through Bavaria’s impeccably preserved medieval towns, you’ll return to your city only to find it utterly lacking in character. Where are the cobblestone streets? The charming fachwerk houses? The fortified walls?
Suddenly, the modern world seems too… modern.
Your local Starbucks might lack the gothic spires you’ve come to expect, and let’s face it, neon lights can’t hold a candle to the warm glow of lantern-lit alleys.
6. Delicious Bavarian Cuisine Will Raise Your Culinary Expectations Too High
The hearty deliciousness of Bavarian cuisine is a curse in disguise. Once you’ve tasted the rich flavors of a Schweinshaxe or the comforting simplicity of a pretzel with Obatzda, your previous culinary favorites might taste like bland, unimaginative fare.
The problem isn’t just finding equivalent food back home; it’s coping with the constant disappointment that no other dumpling will ever measure up to a Knödel again.
7. The Unfailing Friendliness of Bavarians Will Make Cynicism Impossible
The relentless warmth and friendliness of Bavarian locals pose a grave risk to your well-honed sense of cynicism. Strangers smiling, people greeting you in the street, invitations to join tables at the beer garden—it’s all part of a sinister plot to make you feel welcome and valued.
Resist the charm offensive, or you might find yourself engaging in terrifying behaviors like making eye contact and initiating conversations with neighbors back home.
8. The Thrill of Outdoor Adventures Will Spoil Indoor Entertainment
After experiencing the adrenaline of Bavarian outdoor adventures—like paragliding in the Alps, hiking through verdant forests, or cycling around crystal-clear lakes—the prospect of spending a quiet weekend binge-watching shows in your living room will seem utterly lackluster.
Suddenly, your comfortable couch feels more like a prison than a sanctuary.
Bavaria will spoil you with its endless outdoor recreation options, making the great indoors feel less great and more like a poorly-lit, second-rate amusement park.
In conclusion, the evidence is overwhelming and the verdict is in: Bavaria is a land fraught with beauty, charm, and delights that some might find dangerously intoxicating.
From its fairy-tale castles down to its too-good-to-be-true beer, this Bavarian paradise is cunningly designed to capture hearts and ruin your appetite for the mundane. Who could want to live in a world where every other castle looks dull in comparison or where beer from anywhere else just doesn’t taste as rich?
So, consider yourself warned. Venture into Bavaria at your own risk, for you may return with a transformed palate, unrealistic architectural expectations, and an inexplicable yearning for lederhosen.
This guide has dared to outline the perils that lie in engaging fully with Bavaria’s myriad enticements. Ignore these cautionary tales, and you might just find yourself hopelessly charmed, plotting your return before you’ve even left.
Thinking about going elsewhere in Germany? Make sure you read this list of the reasons not to first! You can also read why Oktoberfest is a dangerous place here!
If you decide to go ahead and visit Bavaria anyway, don’t miss our guide to the best places to visit here and find all our guides to Southern Germany here.
Nicely written, but beware! There are many people in the US who will only read your headlines and, without reading the rest, pass this “truth” on which may go viral! Proof: Just look at your possible next president… 😥
Agreed, very nicely written. Bavaria is among the most magical places on earth. One that inspires my family before, during and after we travel there every chance we can. We educate all that we are able especially of Uber Bayern. As far as our possible next President, we are all very educated, well read and truly hope that we do have a new occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. 😊
I was stationed in Munich for 17 of my 20 month tour of duty. Then went back in 2003 with my daughter. Fell in love with the country and people.